need help understanding this awful experience

This forum is to share our miscarriage stories and, in so doing, help others

need help understanding this awful experience

Postby gingerbell01 » Fri Nov 06, 2009 12:03 am

I was hoping I would be in the misdiagnosed section but sadly things did not turn out well for me. It has been quite a journey these passed couple of weeks. I was first told I had an empty gestational sac at 6 weeks. Last week (7 weeks) they found my baby but they also discovered a subchorionic hemorrhage behind the placenta. After a few bouts of spotting, I had another reassuring ultrasound yesterday morning showing a strong heart beat but also a bit of growth with the hemorrhage. The doctor didn't seem concerned and sent me merrily on my way. Around 3 pm yesterday my nightmare began. I crunched with an abdominal cramp but I never expected it was an oncoming miscarriage from what I have heard they tend to "feel like".. but I guess just as no pregnancy is the same, neither is any miscarriage. This, I suppose, was obvious but I was hanging on white knuckle that it was just the hemorrhage bleeding out. I started to bleed and pass clots the size of my hand that quickly sent me to emergency. I was mortified this was happening. I continued to pass and bleed wondering at what point I had lost my little one in such a cruel passage through my body. I panicked so badly, I was put on IV. The doctor did a pelvic exam and his face looked grim. He told me he was 95 percent certain I had miscarried since there had been so much passing of blood. I wanted to die right then and there because part of me already had. My hcg levels were still over 100,000 and I knew I would still feel physically pregnant but completely empty in the knowledge that I wasn't. I held onto that 5% chance it was okay and sat up the entire night trying to find similar stories of women who managed to get to the other side successfully. This morning it was confirmed my uterus had emptied... and so had many things like my hope for this child.
This happened so suddenly as I know it can but I feel the pain will linger on for quite some time. The hardest part for me was seeing that little flicker of a heart beating away and within a few hours not having any power to be able to protect it. I placed my ultrasound pictures and anything associated with this pregnancy into a small box and promised this soul I would find the meaning and hope in its presence. I think motherhood begins the very moment your potential to be one becomes a reality.. despite the sometimes horrific and sad outcome. Though I never got the chance to hold and love it the way I wished I had, I can tell you with all conviction that the love I feel is no less powerful.
I have so much compassion for anyone who has gone through this or going through this. As common as miscarriages are, it doesn't provide any comfort for the pain other than the fact that those of use who have miscarried are not alone and can truly empathize.
My road to recovery feels long and I would appreciate any advice and hopefully one day, I will be strong enough to offer it to someone else.
Sincerely,
Sue
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Postby fab-mom » Fri Nov 06, 2009 12:25 pm

Your story made me cry . I am so so sorry you lost your baby. I don't really have any advice. I am still waiting to miscarry and trying to figure out how to cope with this myself. I do know that we will both, really all of us, will get through this. We will never be the same but we will get through it.
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Postby gingerbell01 » Fri Nov 06, 2009 2:20 pm

thanks fab-mom. If you want to email me, please do. I am all ears and heart for you. I don't really know what advice can help either but talking about it and sharing is a start, I think. For me right now, I am just trying to be kind to my body, drinking chamomile tea and resting. I cry a lot and don't think twice about resisting it. At some point, I know I will start to heal and look to the future and dream about the baby I will one day be able to love and hold.
xo
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Postby faygeo » Fri Nov 06, 2009 5:07 pm

first i am so sorry for your loss. i miscarried oct. 31st. i had known since the monday before that i would but it doesnt make it any easier. this was my 3rd loss in 5 years and all i can tell you is that you never in my opinion truely get over your loss but time does make it easier to move on. it has been almost a week and i am still going through this m/c. i went monday and found out that it was incomplete. so i go back this coming tuesday for another u/s to see if it is complete yet. i still have some bad days for crying and some good days. my advise is cry when you feel like it. i really think it helps with the grieving process.
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Postby gingerbell01 » Sat Nov 07, 2009 8:42 pm

Argh.. When does it end? I ended up in the hospital again last night doubled over with uterine contractions 5 minutes apart, sweats and chills, bleeding heavily again. I think that physically the worst part happened on Wednesday night but now it's just salt in the wound. I ended up in a treatment room right next door to the room I miscarried in and I thought about how the mind really braces itself for the trauma.. I felt like I was outside looking in and I was suddenly mortified and wondered how I coped without having a heart attack. Yikes ladies.. I have so much respect for our biology and strength to endure the process of pregnancy no matter how far along we get. We are mothers at conception and that we will always have in common.
My cat keeps wanting to lay and purr on my stomach. I feel like he knows I need healing.
Peace to you all.
xo
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Postby fab-mom » Mon Nov 09, 2009 12:20 pm

I am so sorry!!! And animals definitely know! That's what i think anyways. lol. I hope that was all for you and you are on the road to recovery now. And yes! Our bodies are amazing!
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Postby may052175 » Thu Nov 12, 2009 2:57 am

gingerbell01,your story made me cry.i also had a miscarriage last sept.28.that was my 1st pregnancy after 3 years of waiting.i'm still an emotional wreck.i'm praying for you and for all the women here.
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Postby gingerbell01 » Thu Nov 12, 2009 3:28 pm

Thank you for your support. If you are an emotional wreck after miscarriage (myself included) it confirms your want and need to be a mom. I saw a counselor a few days ago. She was wonderful. I thought I was going to fall apart in the waiting room because there were three other women waiting with their heads down crying. I just wanted to grab them all and hug them right then and there. :(
When I sat down with the counselor, she asked me what I wanted to take from this session. I answered HOPE. I am one of those people that believes the past, present and future all work in synergy and none should be neglected. I feel too much, it's impossible for me to "leave the past behind".. it was part of my journey here. So how am I working on hope she asked.. I told her that I continue to take prenatal vitamins. I want to cushion my body for the likelihood of becoming pregnant again. I believe there is a soul waiting to plant itself in the same place... I also bought another pregnancy test and stored it knowing it would bring me joy again someday to see it turn positive.
It's been difficult this passed week as my head aches perpetually. I know those are the hormones dipping.. I continue to bleed and my breasts are squooshy and back to size. I look forward now to my levels hitting zero and once the bleeding stops, I will know that physically it's my body preparing for a new cycle.. and that's part of renewal, part of a new journey.
One of the biggest concerns the counselor had was the potential of me losing faith in my intuition. I did question that, because I believed so strongly all the signs were there to bring this child to me scheduled on my birthday! June 17th.. What I know, is that intuition can sometimes be partnered with want and love for something to be... and that's okay. It's part of who we are.. and it all works together in life. I will trust my intuitions again.. .that's important.. but it is also very important to trust our bodies again. For those of us who have suffered a miscarriage, the good news is (and I know it there is little of that when we consider miscarriage) but the GOOD news is, we conceived.. and we can do it again. My only advice, for what it's worth, treat yourself with kindness and love. Eat well, be toxin free and take those vitamins, including Evening Primrose Oil. It apparently keeps things sticky straight through ovulation.. Make a healthy new place in your body and in your heart for a new baby. Nothing will replace the ones we lost, but when I think of hope, it represents what we don't have yet, BUT something that IS achievable.
Birth is amazing, but it starts with us parents.. and that's a pretty amazing start.





E>
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Postby fab-mom » Thu Nov 12, 2009 7:51 pm

Thank you so much for sharing everything. I think you were able to put into words exactly how I am feeling. It's so hard sometimes to put everything into words
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Postby may052175 » Wed Nov 18, 2009 3:13 am

thanks again gingerbell01 :*( 8)O
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Postby amorecappa » Fri Nov 27, 2009 2:26 pm

Thank you for sharing E>
Diagnosed with Incompetent Cervix
PCOS-Metformin 500 daily x 2
Heavenly son Ian 04/14/2005
Earthly son Nathan 05/08/2006
Currently pregnant, hopefully will stay that way!
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Postby gingerbell01 » Fri Dec 04, 2009 3:42 am

The one thing I am learning is that there are many things to learn about this experience.. the lesson goes on and on. I have continued on into one long bleed. So, finally I had an ultrasound today after my confirmed miscarriage exactly four weeks ago. The OB told me I have healthy ovaries, there is still some blood in my uterus (which she explained was normal and meant I was alive ???) and that I had either ovulated or am about to ovulate. She was cute with her Euro accent explaining my tilted uterus to me, with her calming voice, and telling me 25 percent of women have them. So there you go tilted friends, we are of the 25 percent.
I believe the body processes in synergy to the heart and mind. That might sound kind of hippy dippy, but I truly believe it. Everyone is different and consequently we all process differently. I just happen to have no iron left in my body. But that's quite alright. I will take every last moment of the lesson.
xo
Susanne
www.urbanblurbs.wordpress.com
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Postby gingerbell01 » Wed Dec 09, 2009 1:16 pm

So the day of the ultrasound, my period came.. It has just stopped this morning.. I have mixed emotions as I now know, there are no longer any remains of my pregnancy., just my heart's knowledge of it.
I am in a new cycle and my body is doing what it does as part of being a woman. This is the beginning and potentials of pregnancy each and every month of our fertile years. My mind really adjusted to a new idea of what womanhood meant. What us ladies are capable of is truly amazing.
It's still hard for me and I find myself still loving and cradling the idea of the baby I couldn't have but I know the purpose was strong and the lessons remembered.
I wish you all the safest and happiest pregnancies. What a journey, and what great love.
xo
S.
www.urbanblurbs.wordpress.com
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Postby dylanfreak76 » Mon Dec 21, 2009 6:35 pm

Oh, Sue, you brought tears to my eyes with your post here. You loved your child SO much!! I am so sorry for you. What a sad and horrific ending to have happen. I surely hope with all of my heart that you get to have your baby someday because there is no doubt that you will give your child all the precious love that he or she needs!

My midwife made me feel better as I sat in her office for council on my first miscarriage with these words.. Think of this as your child's spirit is still waiting on the other side to be in your life. It is just waiting for a better time....

It made me feel better to hear that, at least. I'm not sure if I will conceive again but just thinking that the spirit of my little baby, though not even 1 MM tall yet, is SOMEWHERE and connected to me, makes me feel better.

God bless you, Sue.

Jessica
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Postby dylanfreak76 » Mon Dec 21, 2009 6:55 pm

ps thanks for the link to your blog. I started my own blog account there and am so grateful as I was looking for a place just like it to write things.
Jessica
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Postby gingerbell01 » Mon Jan 25, 2010 8:33 pm

It's been over two months since my miscarriage.. some days it feels as though it happened yesterday. I was just shaken up again because I got a rather unflattering comment on my word press blog for my submission entitled "The Missed", dedicated to my the story of my unborn baby. Jonathan Fields from New York wrote, "You should not have children. You are not fit to be a mother." I think stunned is how I feel. He has a right to express his feelings but please.. have some decency to express them to someone else. Telling a woman who has gone through the ordeal of losing a baby, that she is not fit to be a mother is extremely poor taste. I don't even know this person. I can't imagine what would provoke a perfect stranger to creep around and make comments like this about someone's very personal heartbreaking journey.
When I googled Jonathan, I learned that he has a child of his own.. if I should be so lucky..
I'm back here again, crying my heart out.. thinking it makes it a lot easier to have people care and to be able to share what we go through in miscarriage.. I wanted to check into this site that has been the exact opposite of what I just had to read..My heart goes to you all.
xo
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